Clear Communication Boundaries

When we instill and honor healthy communication boundaries, we cultivate healthy relationships based on honesty and integrity. Setting and honoring healthy communication boundaries goes beyond what we say to people and how we say it. It also encompasses how we listen to people and what communication vehicles we use to best support our message.

For example, if you wanted to discuss a personal and sensitive issue with someone, would an email or text message be the best vehicle? We run the risk of being misinterpreted and alienating a customer, friend or loved one if the communication vehicle we choose doesn’t match the sensitivity of the communication.

Gossip is a major communication boundary violation. Gossip fosters unhealthy competition, creates negative and hurtful feelings, and sows discord and unease thereby creating distance between people. There is an important distinction between gossip and clarification. Gossip is when 2 or more people talk about someone who is absent, and the absent person is equally distant from both talkers.  However, when clarification occurs, the absent person is generally closer to the talker than to the listener.  The outcome of gossip is that the listener is stimulated to some type of action such as spreading the gossip to others, shunning the absent person, or changing their opinion about the absent person.  A clarifying conversation leads to action on the part of the speaker such as taking advice from the person they are talking to that leads to a change.

Here are some communication tips that will help you create and maintain healthy relationships:

•       Set clear boundaries around gossip and put a stop to it immediately whenever someone attempts to engage you in it.

•       Pay attention to other people’s boundaries and acknowledge boundaries that have been set.  If you want people to honor your boundaries, then you must do the same.

•       Whenever you are asked an appropriate question, refusing to respond is a communication violation.  If you are not able or ready to respond, be sure to clarify that you need more information or time.  If you need more time to contemplate your answer, let the person asking know when you will follow-up with an answer.

•       If someone gives you an answer that sets a boundary you don’t like and therefore decide to ignore, you are creating a communication boundary violation.  You don’t have to like an answer, but you do have to respect the person’s boundaries.

•       If you have a strained relationship with someone and haven’t made an attempt to remedy it, it would be inappropriate for you to ask for a favor without first addressing the state of your relationship.

•       Similarly, if you make a request from someone that is unusual or inappropriate to the nature of the relationship, this is also a communication boundary violation.  Be certain to precede your request with an acknowledgment that it is unusual and an explanation of why you are making the request.

Deborah Perkins

LuminousTransformations

480-788-7140