Control Dramas

Control dramas are behaviors exhibited to secure power or control over a person or group of people. They are conscious or unconscious struggles for power—competitions for human energy. Whether or not you are aware, you have exercised control dramas and have been the victim of other people’s control dramas throughout your life. However, you may find that there are 1 or 2 specific control dramas you demonstrate based on your personality type and learned behaviors.

In the book The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, he outlines 4 major control dramas:

• The Intimidator: This highly aggressive control drama is demonstrated through threats, either verbal or physical, to force you to bend to this person’s will for fear that something bad might happen to you, or sometimes just to get you to pay attention to this person and give him or her your energy.
• The Poor Me or Victim: Contrary to the Intimidator drama, this control drama is very passive. A person demonstrating this drama will tell you all the horrible things that are happening to him or her, implying that you are responsible, and that if you refuse to help, these horrible things will continue. They position everything they say and do to put you in a place where you have to defend against the idea that you are not doing enough for this person. They make you feel guilty just being around them.
•  The Interrogator: The person demonstrating this control drama is subtle in their aggression, finding fault and slowly undermining your world in order to get your energy. They set up a drama of asking questions and probing into your world with the specific purpose of finding something wrong with your answers. Once they do, then they criticize this aspect of your life. If this strategy succeeds, you will suddenly find yourself becoming self-conscious about your words and actions. You will pay attention to what the interrogator is doing and thinking about because you don’t want to do something wrong that the Interrogator will notice. This psychic deference gives the Interrogator the energy he or she desires.
• The Aloof: A person demonstrating the Aloof control drama will withdraw from conversations. They will look and act mysterious and secretive and may tell you, or give you the impression, that they are being cautious when in fact they are trying to pull you into their drama. You will find yourself trying to figure out what is going on with the Aloof, perhaps questioning them. When you do question them, they will remain vague forcing you to struggle and dig more to discern their true feelings.

There is a noticeable pattern with these 4 basic control dramas. The Intimidator drama creates the Poor Me drama and when they are in a relationship together expressing their dramas, they will feed from each other’s energies. Interrogator control dramas create Aloof control dramas and vice versa. People who predominantly express these dramas will oftentimes be in relationships and feed from each other’s energies.

The key to letting go of a control drama is first to bring it fully into your awareness. You do that by looking back through your life at your behavior patterns in conflict situations. Notice the particular style of control you have exercised over others. Notice what you may have learned in childhood to get attention and energy moving your way. Perhaps you had a parent who exhibited Intimidator control drama behavior causing you to adopt Poor Me control drama behaviors.

Second, you must make a conscious decision to let go of the need to control others to get attention, or energy. Learn and practice techniques to defuse control dramas when demonstrated by you or others. Over time, you will find healthier alternatives to obtaining energy such as tapping into the infinite supply of universal energy through meditation.

Deborah Perkins
Luminous Transformations
480-788-7140

Clear Communication Boundaries

When we instill and honor healthy communication boundaries, we cultivate healthy relationships based on honesty and integrity. Setting and honoring healthy communication boundaries goes beyond what we say to people and how we say it. It also encompasses how we listen to people and what communication vehicles we use to best support our message.

For example, if you wanted to discuss a personal and sensitive issue with someone, would an email or text message be the best vehicle? We run the risk of being misinterpreted and alienating a customer, friend or loved one if the communication vehicle we choose doesn’t match the sensitivity of the communication.

Gossip is a major communication boundary violation. Gossip fosters unhealthy competition, creates negative and hurtful feelings, and sows discord and unease thereby creating distance between people. There is an important distinction between gossip and clarification. Gossip is when 2 or more people talk about someone who is absent, and the absent person is equally distant from both talkers.  However, when clarification occurs, the absent person is generally closer to the talker than to the listener.  The outcome of gossip is that the listener is stimulated to some type of action such as spreading the gossip to others, shunning the absent person, or changing their opinion about the absent person.  A clarifying conversation leads to action on the part of the speaker such as taking advice from the person they are talking to that leads to a change.

Here are some communication tips that will help you create and maintain healthy relationships:

•       Set clear boundaries around gossip and put a stop to it immediately whenever someone attempts to engage you in it.

•       Pay attention to other people’s boundaries and acknowledge boundaries that have been set.  If you want people to honor your boundaries, then you must do the same.

•       Whenever you are asked an appropriate question, refusing to respond is a communication violation.  If you are not able or ready to respond, be sure to clarify that you need more information or time.  If you need more time to contemplate your answer, let the person asking know when you will follow-up with an answer.

•       If someone gives you an answer that sets a boundary you don’t like and therefore decide to ignore, you are creating a communication boundary violation.  You don’t have to like an answer, but you do have to respect the person’s boundaries.

•       If you have a strained relationship with someone and haven’t made an attempt to remedy it, it would be inappropriate for you to ask for a favor without first addressing the state of your relationship.

•       Similarly, if you make a request from someone that is unusual or inappropriate to the nature of the relationship, this is also a communication boundary violation.  Be certain to precede your request with an acknowledgment that it is unusual and an explanation of why you are making the request.

Deborah Perkins

LuminousTransformations

480-788-7140

How Powerful are Your Stories?

We all have stories embedded in our minds, whether we are consciously or subconsciously aware of them.  These stories, created from our life experiences and the learnings we received, define who we are. The stories we share with others can either have rich meaning, purpose and powerful lessons or they can simply bend someone’s ear. Do the stories you tell others expose a level of vulnerability to help people know that you are capable of empathy and understanding?

Story telling predates writing, with the earliest form being oral with gestures.  Modern day story telling takes many forms, among them fairytales, legends, folktales and extends itself to represent history, political commentary and evolving cultural norms.

As we move through our life’s journey, an important goal is to learn from all of our experiences—the good and the bad—and to share these learnings with others. This is how we eventually become wise elders. Are you on the path to becoming a powerful and wise elder?

Richard J. Leider and David Shapiro, authors of Claiming Your Place at the Fire: Living the Second Half of Your Life on Purpose, believe that in order to develop our wisdom and become powerful elders in the second half of our lives, we must claim our place at the fire at every stage of our life journey. We claim our place at the fire by making valuable contributions to our family and society. Powerful story telling is one important contribution, regardless of age.

How are you claiming your place at the fire as you move along your life journey? Here are some questions to help you craft wise elder stories: 

• Which events in your lifetime made a difference in the life you have led?
• What are the lessons you learned from the choices you have made?
• Were these choices in alignment or out of alignment with your values?
• With each of these major choices, did you follow or ignore your intuitions?

Practice telling your stories in a way that demonstrates your wisdom. We all have valuable contributions we can make through our powerful wise elder stories.

Deborah Perkins
Luminous Transformations
Google Voice: 480-788-7140

Creating and Honoring Healthy Boundaries

Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really mean “no”?  Are there aspects of your life that aren’t going well but you aren’t certain what changes need to be made to bring them in better order?  Creating healthy boundaries is an important skill to cultivate in order to achieve a life of peace and joy.  At the same time, learning to recognize and honor other people’s boundaries is equally important for healthy and lasting relationships.

Boundaries provide a clear, moral compass.  They help us to align with our values, keep us on track with our goals and life, and they protect the important parts of ourselves like our energy, our physical body, our relationships and our time.

We all define and set goals for ourselves, but do you always ensure that these goals align with your values and boundaries?  Are you at all times truly aware of your priority values? Think about the parts of your life that are working well, that have integrity.  This wholeness comes from the boundaries you have set to protect them.  Now think about the parts of your life that are not working so well.  What do you think you need to do to make these parts work better?

A boundary is like a membrane, similar to your skin, which keeps your organs intact.  A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity. By the limits that you set, you protect the integrity of your day, your energy and spirit, the health of your relationships and the pursuits of your heart.  We have many types of boundaries that we consciously, subconsciously and even unconsciously create in our lives:

• Friendship boundaries
• Time boundaries
• Communication boundaries
• Anger boundaries
• Intimacy boundaries
• Gender boundaries (prevent sexual harassment and promote equality in the workplace)
• Appearance boundaries (e.g., dress codes, make-up)

Boundaries are intentions we make to help improve the quality of our life and relationships. Pick an area of your life that isn't going well. Now, ask yourself if you have clear boundaries in place. If so, when and where are you not honoring your boundaries? If you don't have clear boundaries in place, define your boundary goals by asking yourself the following questions:

• What isn't working?
• What needs to be done to make it work?
• What needs to happen first?
• What will be the consequences if others don't honor these boundaries?

Once you have defined your boundaries, communicate them and note any improvements that occur with regard to the situation you are addressing.  If you don’t see improvements, review your boundaries and ask yourself if they are too rigid or too flexible.  Make adjustments and re-communicate as needed.  The more you practice putting healthy boundaries in place and communicating them appropriately to others, the easier it will become!

Deborah Perkins

Website:  Luminous Transformations

Facebook:  Luminous Transformations

Google Voice: (480) 788-7140